Four rounds now, and they are starting to bite. She is struggling to get into the car to go to the hospital, let alone get out the other end and have the treatment. Because of the location they are targeting on the liver, which is close to the bowel, every time causes more and more sickness and nausea, sometimes even physically. And then add in the mental aspect as the knowledge of how she will feel afterwards causes anxiety, and she is in a really bad place.
Finding food to eat is tough. She doesnt fancy anything, and when we put something in front of her, she may pick at a bit, but cant eat it. She has lost alot of weight, and looks very weak, and feels trapped in her own body. Unable to go too far without full strength, she is currently lying in bed looking at the ceiling.
I worry about this reaction, as this time round it feels different from before. Yes, she has had a bad reaction to chemo, and has been hospitalised following immunotherapy, but right now she is losing strength, and also losing the will. I see a depression that is staying longer, that is taking over every minute when she is at home, and awake. And that is often, as the pain from her liver makes it hard to get comfortable.
This must be the way that cancer finally gets its victims, by slowly weakening them, until they can face no more. The methods used to try and erase the tumours are so strong, so damaging, that there is now wonder that eventually the patient loses the strength to do any more. Though I hate the analogy that a cancer victim loses their battle (I feel it implies that they didnt do enough), I see the way that cancer is a death by a thousand cuts, taking a little more away every time, not leaving enough time before the next round of treatment, that will weaken a bit more, and then not leave enough time until the next round, and so on, an ever shrinking circle of treatment, then waiting, tormenting the mind, and hurting the body, leaving a permanent worry about what is going to come next.
As you may tell, this feels a very dark time for us as a family. With luck, we may come through, and my wife may gain her strength back, and I really believe that she can (she has beaten so many odds before). There is one more round of treatment, and then a longer break before scans to determine what has happened, when hopefully we will see the results that outweigh the pain.