First things first, we got the latest results. It felt like deja vu. The disease is getting slowly worse. Some improvement in some areas, but new nodules in others. Some markers up, some down.
We dont quite know what to think. Is it good news, or bad? The specialist almost casually references concerns around the pelvis, like this is something we have seen before, then swiftly moves on. We are sure it is something we havent heard about before.
So bittersweet. I have said before that this feels like slow torture, a drip drip on the head. It doesnt seem to have an end in sight.
My wife thinks that the mental healing she does has had an effect. I am practical and logical, so am not so sure. I do feel that whatever makes her happy is good though.
How do I feel? Is it bad to be almost disappointed? I want to have some form of conclusion. The whole thing has been going for too long, and we are all held back. However I know that that means the unthinkable. So I can either suck up the crap and keep going, or be a total dick and hope for the end. Talk about caught between a rock and a hard place.
And yes, I know that that last paragraph makes me sound like a self absorbed arse, uncaring and a dickhead basically. And you know what, that is true at times. But I would challenge anyone to experience this and not have dark thoughts at some point. They would have to be a saint not to.
People with cancer are the main focus, and rightly so. They have everything to lose, and have to put up with immeasurable pain and suffering. However, please remember the carers out there as well. They do an amazing job looking after their loved ones, spouses, children, often without thanks. They can be seen by the patient as lucky, nothing is wrong with them is there? But the mental impact of looking after someone you love, seeing them deteriorate and lose what once made you love them, leaves deep phsychological scars. They will be the ones to both care for a dying partner, and then straight away pick up the pieces in the follow on world. They do a job of caring, whilst at the same time often having to plan for what they will do when their patient has gone. And most times, the one person they would usually be planning with is lying in pain on the bed next to them, the last person who you can talk to about those kind of things.
It is a thankless task that is thrust upon many people around the globe. And I will admit it does get me down alot, and the tone of this blog is driven by that this week. I feel guilty for being down about the results, I feel unsure of where we go next, and I feel that we are trapped by this disease, all of us unable to move forwards, however hard we try.
So the black dog is sitting on my shoulder, just at the one time when I need to be upbeat. We dont choose our lives, they are chosen for us. My depression will pass, I know that. I just have to push myself on and find joy in the world and my family.
Stay safe, and keep on keeping on.