Why do I hate wasting time hanging around?

I’m getting very frustrated right now. I’m not normally impatient, however I am sick of waiting.

We wait endlessly at the hospital for appointments. Whether it is my wife in the rooms, or me sat in the car as she isnt allowed any one with her. Lots of wasted time for both of us.

We then wait for the results to come back. And will then typically be told that nothing is going to happen this time around, so we wait for another few weeks for the next round. And the same happens.

I understand that things dont always move fast, but I want some progress. For nothing to happen makes us feel that we are almost moving backwards.

I also feel I am waiting for the next phase of my life. We have been stuck in this loop for far too long, and being very selfish, I am stagnating. It is hard to express how frustrating it is. Our lives have been overturned by cancer, and it will not let us go. And it is really hard, because I know there is no cure for my wife, so the only way for things to end is for us to lose her.

The waiting for that thought to become reality eats away at my insides, and turns my brain to mush. It is impossible to reconcile the two ideas of wanting desperately for my wife to be helped to enjoy her life more, and prolong things, while at the same time being fully aware that I have a life following her passing, but dont know when that may be.

So we are waiting. Sat watching other people get on with their lives and progress. Sit watching other couples have a normal married life, while I care for my wife, and make sure she is comfortable. Sit watching my wife and mother of my children waste away in front of my eyes, weight falling off her, and know full well there is nothing I can do about it.

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