We spent the New Year with a group of friends this year. One friend owns a holiday house in Wiltshire, and we were all able to stay there together. It is great, as the children can all run around safely, while the adults can chat, and drink.
New year is a time of both reflection and looking forward. i certainly felt that this time round. My wife is looking much more frail right now, taking frequent breaks from activities. So there was much looking back on the changes in the last year. How she has progressed, potentially for the worse.
There was also talk about the coming year. This is tough, because everyone was discussing holidays and fancy trips. I, on the other hand, gave my real concerns for my wife. I am not convinced she will see 2023 out. Her symptoms are growing, and she is getting weaker, and more sick.
This shocked alot of our friends. Because they dont see her on a day to day basis, they dont appreciate how she changes. When they do all manage to meet up for a short period of time, she can muster the strength to keep going. For an overnight that is not the case. The reality is laid bare. Her need to take a nap, and inability to eat too much is painfully obvious.
There were tears at the thought of losing her. It is strange that I feel quite calm about it now (which surely wont be the case when confronted with the inevitable). Obviously, I hope we have her for many years more, but am reconciled with the fact that that may not happen.
This is a new phase of anticipatory grief for me ( as discussed in this article – https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/talkabout/articles/what-is-anticipatory-grief/271278). I have written about this feeling elsewhere (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/387), and think about it alot. However, the Christmas break has given me a good amount of time to get my head together, and think about the future rationally.
There is always talk of resolutions at this time. I’m not sure I have properly thought about that, but I will endeavour to do more for my wife, and not become frustrated with the situation. Remember that she is dealing with things beyond my comprehension, and not to be short with her about it.
So, a melancholy start to 2023 for me. Big thoughts, and acceptance seem to have come over me.
I hope you have a great year. Whilst I get jealous to hear of the amazing plans other people have, it is brilliant to see people getting on positively with their lives.