This morning I woke up, and hated being a carer or caregiver. Sometimes that happens. The strain of looking after someone can be immense.
What exactly do I hate right now? Well let’s see:
1. The lack of independence my wife has. Everything has to be done together. For myself as an introvert I find this hard, as mentally I need time out. When my wife could drive, she could go to visit her mums on her own, and visit friends at the weekend. Now these things need to be done as a family group.
2. The ups and downs of her brain health. Some days she is exhausted after doing a few small tasks, and then will wake up following a night’s sleep and download everything in her mind onto me. I understand that is how her brain now works, but for the rest of us it is exhausting. It is famine or feast as far as her brain operates.
3. The odd aches and pains that we are never sure are something serious that needs immediate attention, or indigestion. Is a back pain from sitting in the car, or the start of an infection in her lung or liver?
4. The plan forward. I have written this before, however every time we head to the specialist, the plan appears to be wait and see until something really bad happens. I appreciate she is keen not to have more treatment right now, but my mind needs a plan. We constantly say that the next time we will re-look at everything.
5. My wife wants to make plans for this year, which I get as she needs to look ahead. But my mind sees the way she is and thinks there can only be one main plan for the year. Struggling to walk very far, and not able to eat doesn’t tie into a fun weekend away.
6. The lack of normal adult relationship. This really has started to mess with my mind. The lack of intimacy. The constant worry about her. The changes cancer has brought on her physically.
7. And tied into the future is the feeling I have that we are being held back by cancer. From all the above we can’t move onwards, because this dark shadow is always behind us, waiting. The bogey man sat in her insides, until it decides to mess everything up.
So today, as is often the case, I hate this whole life. I hate being forced to be a caregiver, and really hate cancer.