I feel really fucking angry alot of the time these days. But it is impotent anger. As the title and lyric from Rise by Public Image says, anger is an energy, but I feel I am generating that anger with no way of using it.
I get pissed off at the traffic on the roads, I get wound up by the cat meowing at me all evening, I get annoyed by the children being slow to dinner. Anything can get to me, driving me into a fug that will last a long time.
Of course, the main reason is the damned disease my wife has. Cancer. Ruining our whole lives. Destroying our dreams. Causing pain and suffering to my wife, and driving all of us into a state of depression. It is enough to drive any one to anger.
I dont understand at times why the world seems to get angry at the wrong things. We have in the UK people angry about Prince Harry, annoyed at immigrants, and abuse screamed at so many people. Why cant the country direct this energy at cancer. Work together to defeat a common enemy.
According to the NHS, 1 in 2 of us will develop a form of cancer in our lifetimes. 1 in 2. 50%. That is really sodding high. Why are people not pissed off at it?
I’m pissed off especially this week as after taking my wife for scans we have to wait a week for the results. I am unsure of how good those scans will turn out to be, and am annoyed at how slow the process is. Dealing with cancer seems to take forever, when I want some form of definitive answer. I want to be told they can do X and the disease will be gone. I want this to be over, its been long enough now.
Back to the start this makes me feel impotent. My role as a carer is to take care of my wife, pick up the pieces of our family, and support her. I cannot do any more than that. There is nothing I can direct my anger at. There is no one to confront, no one who I can shout at and ask them to solve this nightmare. No one.
Anger is an energy yes, but that generates more anger when it cannot be put to good use.
If you feel like this, the following link has some good information, and advice on dealing with it.
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