I was thinking today about the future for our small family, and it struck me that we dont have much of a choice. I desperately want this whole situation to be over, but that would mean losing my wife. On the other hand I really dont want my children to lose their mother, which would mean prolonging her pain and regular suffering. So the two potential outcomes both bring heartache.
Hobsons choice describes an illusion whereby there are multiple choices, but in reality only one thing is offered. In our case I know it isnt a choice but two likely outcomes, but the outcome is really the same.
How do you reconcile this feeling, wanting something to end knowing it will bring pain, or accepting it wont end knowing that will bring a different pain? I’m still trying to figure that one out. The hardest part as a parent is knowing that I will have to at some point in the probably near future tell my two children their mother has passed. I will have to help them navigate through a world without a parent, but at the same time try to navigate my own path through the grief.
I dont mind admitting this is something i come back to alot in my thoughts, and is the one thing that has caused me to breakdown. I can deal with most things this disease has thrown at us, but the thought of the faces of my children is unimaginable, and terrifies me.
And as I have written before, the knowledge this will happen also has no time frame. I know it will happen, but do not know when it will happen. We could lose her tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or even next year. She may be lucky and have many more years ahead, all the while with death holding their scissors around the thread of her life.
Happily my wife is sounding stronger, and is eating much better. She took my son bowling with her mother today, though she couldnt bowl as the pain in her stomach prevented it. Are we downplaying this ache? I hope not, and are being careful, but right now we are into uncharted territory, and any of these pains could be more sinister.
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