I feel that nothing ever happens

Waiting for scan results I find leaves you on a heightened level of anxiety – scanxiety I believe it is called. The scan process was tough for my wife, especially as the timings got messed up due to traffic, and then the scans themselves took longer. That was last week, and I am like a cat on a hot tin roof waiting the seven days for the results.

Which then are delayed as well. The oncologist is invariably running behind time. This you have to forgive, she is dealing with some real life changing shit. I couldnt do her job. So an hour later than billed, my wifes results walk out on stage, via zoom. Thats the other things here, we still try to minimise trips in hospital if we can, both for covid concerns and also to reduce the strain on her mental health.

With them being delivered on zoom, it has started that I dont sit in. As I have mentioned before (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/688) I worry about my wifes mental state these days, so there is the risk of her missing something, but she also prefers to be on her own to be able to concentrate.

They came back with the same story. Disease growth in everywhere aside from the original location. Liver, bones, lungs, all seem to be getting some attention now. It would explain much about why she is so tired, itchy, and bloated. Apparently many symptoms of liver disease. Is that the path we are going to be going down to our ultimate fate? No one can tell so far.

The results are why I feel that nothing ever happens (link to the Del Amitri song below – I have been listening to loads of 1989 music recently, and this is one of the classics).

I feel frustrated as I want something done. If she was a new patient, then she would be in on a course of treatment. Because she has had all the treatments, thos routes seem to have closed off, and we are just left waiting. And is so bloody annoying. I want the doctors to do something, anything.

It is horrible watching someone die slowly in front of your eyes, and not having any support to try and stop it. The oncologist will say that disease has spread, and we need to watch out for any sudden changes, and then come in in 6 weeks. And that will be it. Great. Basically good luck, get on with it.

Meanwhile my wife is sruggling for breathe, and unable to walk long distances (and by long I mean round the supermarket). She is bloated and uncomfortable and has a hot water bottle to ease the pain on her stomach every night. She is itching all over, and cant live in her own skin for the extreme annoyance.

This is no way for her to live long term. I want them to do something, or at least say something about a plan. Tell us what they plan to do. But realistically, there is no treatment, and we are living the only plan they have. We have to wait and watch, and let this disease tear more away from my family, as my children see their mother become weaker and miss more and more of their lives. Its tough knowing she is there, but cant participate.

And I personally feel that my life is still on hold, held back by the creeping advance of death. I dont want to lose my wife, but I want to live with the woman I married and planned on being with until we grew old. That woman has gone, and with it our hopes and dreams for the future, and it sucks. Living in fear of what will come along, and feeling that we are facing a much stronger adversary with no weapons at our disposal.

I want to be out of this hell, I want to back with my wife. I want this to be over and the stress and pain to end. But every few weeks, we get pulled back into it again, only to be told that we have to wait and see what happens. And nothing ever happens.


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