Yep, starting with a Johnny Rotten quote today. This line often comes to mind, the feeling of not being dealt the right hand in life. He said it on stage at the final gig of the original Pistols, way back in 1978, as they broke up in disarray, the rest of the band flying off without him, before Sid was banged up on murder charges. Johnny Rotten resorted to being John Lydon, started PIL, and the rest of his story is history.
The feeling of not being dealt the right hand, being cheated often applied to us as carers of partners with a terminal diagnosis. It applies to the person with the diagnosis. Often cancer is not something we have done to ourselves. I know some activities can lead to lung cancer and so on, but that isnt always the case. It isnt fair that your body decides to turn on itself, destroying the cells around the tumours, and ultimately kill the host.
It isnt fair that the family and friends have to watch this happen. The decline in health of a loved one is horrendous. Whether slowly or quick, the heartache and frustration eats you up inside. The feeling of helplessness, not being able to do anything to stop the rampaging disease. Sometimes caring for someone feels inadequate, you want to be able to do something more constructive than just ease the pain, or keep them comfortable.
My wifes last set of results again showed her slow decline, as cancer spreads like an invading army. It has taken footholds in her liver, lungs and bones, pushing on from where it originally was. It is making her tired and weak, skinny and lacking muscle. I have a feeling her ability to heal is waning, and unfortunately the options for help from medical science are slim right now. No chemo or surgery is available.
She has gone away to stay with a relative this week. This was a good opportunity for us all to decompress. Took me a day, but eventually I felt that the pressure had been released. I realise there is possibly an element of being out of sight, out of mind, and I feel a little guilty for that. However, as I keep being told, self care as a carer is vital as well. No use me being ill or overwhelmed, as I cant keep the rest of or lives going.
The children seemed more relaxed as well. We had fun together. Away from the constant reminders of reality. My wife lying asleep on the sofa most of the evening keeps the thought in the childrens mind most of the time, so her not being there just takes that away.
We did have one worrying time, when she caught food poisoning and spent the day being sick. You may recall this also happened a few weeks ago, and I guess she is more prone to getting small illnesses like this. Thankfully it seems to have gone after a day. It is hard being remote, as even though I am finding myself relaxing, I immediately leap into carer mode, and want to make sure she is OK. It doesnt take much to reactivate every feeling, and get the stress levels back up again.
I am also seeing a slightly concerning trend, and may investigate further. She seems keen to visit old haunts, and places from our past. This has been noticably more than previously. I get the feeling she is making peace with herself, and remembering the good times, while also seeing places where she was happy. I guess after the recent diagnosis that might be a natural reaction.
Not alot we can do about this, just ride it out. I dont have a great deal of confidence that we will ride the year out as a foursome complete family though.
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