I have recently had a couple of weeks off from work as the school holidays have started. This has meant being able to try and do some things as a family.
You would imagine as this was a summer break, I would find it relaxing, and in the most part it was. But I started to notice how tough each day was. I am usually in the office, so dont see my wife all day, but when you are constantly with her, there is so much that needs attention.
Watching to make sure she doesnt bang her head on the car door, protecting her on a pavement when other people are around. Being aware of when she is feeling sick, and unable to eat food. Making sure she has eaten today.
Even the mental strain of watching her slumped on the sofa or a chair, wishing we could do something else other than help her hold back nausea. The mental gymnastics of trying to keep the children active, while trying not to overtire her. Making memories while those memories may not be the best ones.
We have nearly hit 20 years of marriage, and that saddens me. Looking back the change in those years was at first great, but now feels ruined. Achievements and landmarks have a taint to them, cancer looming over everything. You build up everything, only for it to be snatched away cruelly. And not only taken away, but you are made to watch it all happen.
Sometimes I do wish for the end of this life. Another mentally tiring thought. I watch with envy happy families, and then see my skinny sick wife, and I just want this all to end. Where is the fun in my wife dragging herself somewhere, to painfully sit and watch as others partake in activities she cannot do, only to go home and straight to bed.
I feel we are in limbo, neither existing in our old lives, but also unable to move to something new. I have a feeling we may be entering those end times however. Mentally I have almost made my peace with where we are headed. I am not at peace with how we will cope. I have maybe just resigned myself to the inevitable. Watching how she has changed has done that to me. I said at the start of the year that I didnt see her surviving until Christmas based on how she was then, and she has only gotten worse physically. She has always defied expectations though, so hopefully I am wrong.
I also feel my wife has resigned herself to it. I havent been on the call with her specialist recently, so only know what she has said through the lense of my wifes notes. I can see how she is physically, and have also seen how she acting. I have seen recently that she has tried to pack many things in, as though she wants to experience certain things one more time. Trips out we have talked about for a long time have suddenly happened. Watching her favourite stage show again, where I saw tears in her eyes at the end. It feels alot like she is trying to do these things now before she cannot do them at all.
So are we entering the end? Maybe, and if so I need to find a way to get my strength up and try to get some rest, as I see only tough times ahead if that is the case. If I am mentally exhausted now, I cannot imagine what it will be like in the coming months.
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