Sometimes the anticipatory grief can be so strong, that I feel my life is falling to pieces and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel there is no element of control and I feel so helpless.
I have an aching hole in my chest, a desperation that wont leave. I cant concentrate or find motivation in work. I find I have lost interest in things I used to enjoy, and struggle to find ways to be happy. A couple of drinks can help, but then the effect will wear off. The same with exercise, the euphoric high quickly passes.
A further frustration is that I am fully aware that I need to find motivation in work, re-engage with hobbies, phone or meet friends, but find myself unable to do so. And that makes it worse. I get caught in a vicious circle.
On a regular basis this frustration can lead to tears, either in the car or toilets at work. I cry at the helplessness of our situation, the worry of losing my wife or the feeling of waste. Waste over the last seven years of my wifes life, and the waste of my life.
We are coming up to our 20th Wedding Anniversary, and this time two decades ago I would never have imagined this would be where we are. It seems so unfair, and pointless that this disease has struck us like this. Our hopes and dreams of that day, celebrating with friends and family have long gone, replaced with the hope of my surviving just a few months more. Where is the justice in that?
The next sentence may seem selfish, but I feel that my life is in limbo. I love my wife (I wouldnt have asked her to marry me if not), but in many ways I am waiting for the end of the situation we are in to be able to properly live my life. I am torn between wanting to move on with my future, and the greater need to have my wife back as she was.
I dont want to be watching her slowly decline and become more sick, losing weight and being ill. I dont want to have to consider taking her to hospital at the smallest stomach pain because it may be something more serious than indigestion. I want to to be free of our cancer nightmare, be released from the chains holding us down.
That is why I feel I am being torn apart. The different thoughts going through my head every minute of single day, of not wanting to be in this life, wanting to help my wife, worrying about my children, wondering what the future days will bring. It is impossible to process all of these thoughts, and at times my mind feels that it will explode.
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