A week of getting back into things. In the office, which has been much less stressful than at the end of last year. I ended the year covering a second job in a department that had been facing serious delays and issues, and for the six months I was involved, we were fighting a constant battle with auditors.
So into December I was not in a good place mentally, and really needed the break. I wasnt able to interact with anything at home, and wasnt really a good person to be around. I cant recall a time when I have been so stressed through work in a long time.
Even the times when my wife was in hospital I always coped better then last month. I was very relieved when Christmas came round.
My wife has been struggling a little with her bruised back following her fall at New Year. The chiropractor put it back in place, but it is still painful, with a cut that hurts as well. She is really finding it hard, and has been prone most of the week. This means she is majorly pissed off as well.
We did manage to get out to a Sherlock Holmes experience in Shepherds Bush in London (https://www.thegameisnow.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAtOmsBhCnARIsAGPa5ybk_Es8OyMw4PeWVMob5HVSZCUzeZTzgyNw5hxbnSpI5-Flmod-gEUaAooGEALw_wcB) . I can really recommend this, it was great fun, with the actors from the TV show on film, and some great recreations of sets from the show. As my daughter is Sherlock obsessed, this had been a Christmas present that went down very well. It ended with an hour long escape room, which we managed with only a minute and a half to spare. Very thrilling, and brain taxing for a Sunday morning!
The other focus for me has been concentrating on my resolutions (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/829). It is tough getting up to ride my spin bike when it is dark and wet, but I have been doing it. I think there has been some weight loss, but I will need to keep at it to really tell.
Listening to some new music has been much easier, and I have loved the Ash and Cult albums I have tried this week. Both anthemic and rocky, and right up my alley. I have tried again with Captain Beefheart, and prefer Safe As Milk to Trout Mask Replica. Though it might be time to give that album my annual listen.
The major thing stopping me reaching these goals though is the thought that ultimately none of my resolutions are going to change my situation. They are just ways to help me cope, and keep my brain occupied so it doesnt think about the situation with my wife. They cant and havent stopped the sadness that can creep into my daily commute at any moment, the jealousy of the healthy and happy looking couples I see around, when at home my wife is lying with an injured back, her legs getting skinnier and skinnier, veins showing through, with her clothes hanging off her. Getting fit and listening to new music wont change that.
She takes longer and longer to get over this type of injury, and to be honest get over any type of illness full stop. Her body is so battered, so bruised and broken that there is very little reserve available to fight things. I fear that any potential serious illness will knock her out very quickly.
There are scans this week, and results the week after, so we will see our new fate after that. I would wish for a cure, but that is a long way off I’m sure.
I always thought that my marriage with my wife was the one, our ultimate romance. I had never been great with women when I was younger, and so had been shocked and so happy when she said yes to marrying me. I never thought anyone, let alone anyone as amazing as her would say yes to me. Now I dont know what to do to cope with the thought of losing her, and losing my rock and stability. Both of us are scared silly at what we have and are facing, and there is no manual to help chart the path through. And for one of us it is a one way path only. Even typing that sets me to tears.
And so I keep on with my resolutions for 2024, trying to improve myself on the outside, all the while knowing that inside I am broken, and unfixable, but trying to paint on a happy smile and keep facing the challenges that still come. I said to someone last year that I feel I have a superpower that most people dont have, and really I mean that my wife has a superpower most people dont have, I just have some by proximity.
Her superpower is the ability to get out of bed every day and face down these horrendous, life changing and life destroying challenges, and still keep doing the normal things like Christmas and escape rooms and just cooking tea. This is a superpower that few people ever have to learn, and thank god for that. For unfortunately,this is one escape room we will not manage to beat.
Current weight – 110.7KG
Books finished – none yet
New music listened to:
- Ash – Race The Night
- Captain Beefheart – Safe As Milk
- The Cult – Under the Midnight Sun
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