Turing 50 has been good yet strange in equal measures. My wife also turned the same age two weeks before (so for that period I was claiming to be a decade younger….), and in light of that the focus has been on her.
It is amazing to think that she is still here to reach this milestone. She has endured some terrible things over the last 8 years, and still does, yet is managing through (I think) shear willpower to keep on. She is skinny as a rake, has very little stamina, and has problems with food, drink, noise and her vision. I honestly do not know how she manages it.
We met up with some of our oldest and closest friends last night for a celebratory meal. I drove, just in case we had to make a sharp exit, but we managed to stay the entire evening. It was great, everyone in high spirits, especially as we hadnt all been together for a long time. My wife was inundated with presents, and felt really spoiled.
I sometimes feel on the periphery a little though. I have talked before of feeling jealous of people. I see folks going about their day, and I know I can not have what they have, that my life as a carer and husband to a terminal cancer sufferer restricts my and my families life. And I feel that when meeting with our friends. I know some have hardships, and we help each other through lifes problems, yet the knowledge of what my wife and I are facing can sometimes be too much to bear.
I have spoken of what happens when the anticipatory grief hits (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/869), and this can manifest itself in many different ways. I feel listless, and have a real lack of motivation. I find I dont enjoy the same things I used to. I cant finish tasks, and struggle to start new ones. My focus is shot. The many years of dealing with this have destroyed my mind. I cant conceive how may wife copes.
I’m pissed off because I want to try and better myself and try new things, but cant get started. I want to do something with my life, something that isnt just the job I do, but always feel I have this hand we have been given hanging over me. We cant escape and make things better.
An example is that I went on a business trip last week. I came back motivated, but stepped through the door to a long list of things that needed doing, and a stressed wife who had been worn out by her mother being here to help. The few days I had used to gather my thoughts and try to reset my brain were blown away in minutes, and I could feel myself being dragged back into the swamp we live in. A thick soup of non stop problems and stress.
I realise that often I come across as moaning about my life, when my wife has it much much worse. I know that fact, and that kills me. Sometimes I dont know where to go when I feel down, as my companion in life, my ‘soul mate’ has things a million times worse than me. Every conversation will automatically go back to how she is.
So, turning 50 has been strange. From feeling on the outer circle of a get together to celebrate my birthday as well as my wifes, to thinking that my life is getting away from me very quickly, and I have no control over where it is headed.
Thanks
Thanks for reading, and if you like what I have written, maybe consider giving a tip in thanks.
