Covid - mywifehascancer.blog

Sort your life out even with Covid

My wife has been recovering from her bout of what turned out to be Covid (described here https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/887). Not sure where she got it from, but she had been in the hospital three times the week before.

When she was well enough to not have to be sleeping, she watched alot of the Stacey Soloman program about sorting out your house. And then has spent two days emptying her wardrobe and the cupboards, getting bags for the charity shop and selling things in Vinted.

It has been like an anti-nesting, getting rid of things. My parents sometimes joke about having to clear out things as they get older, to save me and my sister the task, and I worry that my wife is doing the same. I wonder if the Covid has made her think.

She is also getting very fed up. Not being able to go out is bad at the best of times, but this week has been amplified. And here I dont know what to do. I work full time, though have been at home this week. We then do some things at the weekend, but it feels like too little. Realistically she needs to be doing something every day, stimulate her mind, but with most people we know working, that is hard.

I have written before about cancer ghosting (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/582), and Macmillan also have some good advice on loneliness when suffering from cancer (https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/impacts-of-cancer/loneliness-and-isolation). I still feel that people forget about my wife, not intentionally, but everyone has busy lives. It is unfair for people to see her all the time. Dont get me wrong, she has some great friends who take her out every Friday for a coffee or lunch. This is great, and stimulates her. Then like today, I will be able to tka her places. We went to get her nails done, which after a week inside felt like bliss apparently. But I cannot do it by myself, as I have to keep on top of the childrens commitments, and work and the household.

She has also started getting bad nose bleeds. For someone on blood thinners following a DVT last year, these can take a while to stop, and she feels very dizzy afterwards. Despite this, the boredom means she is still continuing with the clearing and cleaning, which has led to instances like today where she decided to clean a lower kitchen cupboard and got overly dizzy, and nearly threw up in the sink. Luckily I was only outside, but it could have been much worse.

Her weight is really plummeting as well. Every limb is skin hanging off bone. She doesnt have much strength to cope, and gets very tired. You have to ask – is this the lead up to the end? I am not sure how she is going to replace the weight and muscle she has lost when she struggles to eat (despite the external help https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/867).

Our daughter finished secondary school lessons this week, and only has the exams to go (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/875), so I am trying to keep things less stressfull for her, despite feeling overwhelmed. At times I feel that I moan about things too much (to myself mainly), and wonder what everyone makes of it. I hope they are sympathetic to my not being in touch, or not being reliable.

I feel so isolated from everything that is going on, and struggle to enjoy the things I used to. A change has to come, but I’m not sure what that change will be.

I have said before that the one thing I really find keeps me in place is listening to music. Unfortunately this week, the last member of one of my favourite bands has passed away, Dennis ‘Machine Gun’ Thompson of the MC5. They were arguably one of the most important bands of the late 60s, and this is a very sad occasion. So please,if yo do nothing else, click on the link below, and play the tune really f**king load, and Kick Out the Jams.

Keeping Track

New music listened to:

Pearl Jam – Dark Matter (Great album, lots of big rockers)

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Trying to stop my wife catching Covid

Thursday I made the decision not to go into the office, and work from home. I was coughing and not sounding great, so rather than pass on a cold to everyone else, I stayed home. My wife and daughter were away overnight at a school conference thing, so I just had to take my son to school.

He was fine, just the usual grumbling about having to get up and get ready, so the morning was fine. However as the day wore on, I felt more and more groggy, my headache was really bad, and I decided to take one of the Covid tests we have kicking around. A faint positive, but still positive. Bugger.

I dont care what your thought are on Covid, and what conspiracy you sign up to. It might be man-made, it might not, I dont know and dont really care, but what I do know is that the illness I have had has been like the worst flu ever. It is the second time I have caught it (not sure how many more until I get a free one…), but was worse this time round. I guess it is longer since my last booster (and again, I dont care about your thoughts on vaccines. Suffice to say I agree with vaccination, you can think differently, its a free world).

I often worry about the mental aspect of the coronavirus pandemic. We spent two long years telling my children that the disease out there would kill their mother, as she was vulnerable. Her operation a few years ago removed her spleen and so on, so she would be highly at risk. I have also seen her struggling for breath in a hospital, as her lungs give up, so I know that feeling of helplessness as someone is dying. So when my son first caught Covid in our house, he was devastated. Full blown tears and crying. The demon of Covid had been built up so much that he thought he had brought the plague to our house.

Thankfully he had it mildly, as did I, and my wife also caught it, and was laid up for a few days, but was ultimately OK. Whilst we were lucky, and we are all still here, we do still have the worry of bringing the disease in. So I am currently sleeping alone, and not leaving the bedroom, whilst everyone is in the house. I wear a mask in case I do enter the same room as my wife and children. Every little thing counts, and if doing this can stop my wife from catching Covid then it will be a job well done.

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Coming out of my cage

It’s been a while since I have written here. No, denying, covid lockdown has been tough. And long, so very long.

But now, both my wife and I had the jab. Astra Zeneca if you must know. I had what felt like flu for a day and my wife was a little worse, but that was to be expected with no spleen. So far no long term side effects, but the radio does buzz when I pass by. Waiting for my instructions from Bill Gates though.

But mentally things are still hard. My wife still can’t drive and that is doing her head in, extreme depression from the awful situation has kicked in. This is how life will be, her feeling nauseous and tired every evening.

The latest results show some progression in tumour growth, and will probably mean treatment by the end of May. We are not looking forward to that.

Sometimes I wish the scans were more conclusive, rather than this delaying all the time, wait a month we will do more scans, maybe treatment in a few weeks. Some one said it is the waiting that is the hardest for carers, and I agree. I feel we can’t move on with our lives with this hanging over us, five years of intense pressure while our world is on hold. It feels bad to say but I sometimes wish it had ended a few years ago.

The children are feeling it too. My son is very clingy, and knows she isn’t well. He is waking in the night, and that doesn’t help us.

End of lockdown should be a joyous time for people as we can see loved ones, but for us it will be a return to the awful reality that has been hidden and obscured by covid.

Dread (don’t judge)

I seem to have a feeling of constant worry at the moment. The world feels that it is shrinking, everything becoming over whelming. I avoid the news to a certain extent, but the constant concern is a real pressure.

My wide had her latest scans, which came back ok, only a slight worsening but no treatment at this stage. But I still wonder what the point of everything is. Why do we have this life, what is the point of everything. We stress and worry for what.

I have non stop headaches and stomach aches and developing insomnia. It would be nice to have some good news once in a while.

My work is also having a bout of restructuring, which means jobs going. Shouldn’t be my department, but no one can be safe.

All this builds to a constant in relenting pressure. A sense of dread. And we are all sick of it.

Continued Lockdown

I write this the day after Boris Johnson has announced extra measures to try to control the CoronaVirus. I am finding this very tough. On top of everything we have had to put up with on a personal front for the last four years, it now feels like the world is falling apart. I havent been able or inclined to update for a few weeks – there doesnt seem to be much point.

But we will prevail – despite the hard work needed. I despair at times about my fellow man – the Covidiots out panic buying, refusing to wear masks, putting others lives at risk. My youngest went back to school for three days, before a positive test took his class and two others out for two weeks – one family had been away on holiday, had symptoms, and still came to school. Luckily he was fine, and we are so far, but it goes to show the potential areas for concern.

My wife was back in for scans today. The hospital only allow her to go on her own, and she has to have a couple of masks with her. It is a big worry – a close friend caught Covid at the same hospital. Then there is the worry about the disease – she is feeling tired, and bloated – very similar to when she was first diagnosed. We have been lucky, but I fear the worst.

I am struggling to take my mind off working from home, money issues and health. I am resorting to my favourite music of my youth – Jellyfish, Blur, Housemartins – and trying to regain that feeling of 30 years ago. It wont be back…

This is todays favourite – a blinder of a retro tune at the time. Members of the band have since gone on to play with Beck, do TV music, work with Morrissey, but never reached the heights of the Bellybutton album.