My better half is still away today, and so I didnt speak to her very much. Hopefully she is doing OK, and recovering from the bad stomach cramps at the end of last week. It is a great worry when she is away. Whilst I appreciate the downtime, there is the nagging feeling at the back of my mind that something may go wrong.
Do other people have this? No way of properly switching off. I used to be like this in work, until the trauma of our home life gave me other things to concentrate on. Apart from the worry of my life, I find that I have let the ball drop on some other items of our lives, and so have tried to spend the day catching up on the tasks that need doing.
I was also transporting our daughter to work experience. She is very grown up, and despite all the things going on, is doing amazingly well at 17. I wish I knew how she manages it, and if I could I would bottle up her devotion and sell it. We would make a mint. Anyway she found and applied for a work experience program in engineering by herself, and thankfully it wasnt too far away. I dropped her off at the office this morning, and collected her at the end of the day.
It went well, and we chatted in the car, before the conversation took a route down memory lane. In the years BC (Before Cancer) we had holidayed in Florida a few times, especially when my daughter was younger. And we got chatting about the theme parks there. She is a massive Disney fan, like her mother, even more so in some respects, and we discussed favourite rides, any new ones that she would like to see, and which parks she would most enjoy now she is older.
I would love to take her back there. To see her and my son experience the magic of Disney in Florida (say what you like, and be grumpy, but there is something special about the parks when you fly over from grey England) would be a dream. I know she would take the reins from my wife and organise every second of the trip, with a Pinterest list of food and clothing options, and every Instagramable picture opportunity. (And I know I didnt spell those correctly, but be glad I know about the Gram!).
At this point there is no way it can happen though. To start right now my wife is not healthy enough to travel, and regardless of that would not get insurance to travel. There is also no way I can pay for a trip to Florida, unless I rob a bank. I cant pay for a trip to the park these days. So the holidays we had before, where we went to Orlando and Naples are gone. The only way we will ever get back there are after my wife passes.
A simple conversation in the car will always remind me of something else that has been taken away from us, and brings further pain and sadness. The long term terminal illness has stripped away every facet of what we were as a family, and replaced it with a temporary never ending ride of relentless heartache. (A bit like Its a Small World some would say…)
Yet again I wish I could turn back the hands of the clock, find some way to reverse the tumour growth and destroy them before they have the chance to destroy my wife. Find a way to preserve the life we had built, and find a way to protect my children from what they are experiencing, what we are all experiencing, and help keep my wife healthy.
For the record my daughter most wants to visit Epcot again, as she thinks she would enjoy it more now she is older. She is also a massive foodie, so would like to try the food festival they hold in October. I suspect that she would also love to see Magic Kingdom again, though doubt she would want a Princess dress now.
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