Living on a thin line

Today was the day of my wifes scans. CT and MRI again. It is a stressful day, obviously she doesnt want to go into the hospital, and who would blame her. It means confronting the truth of the disease. She mentally cant take anything in with her, and has special clothes just to wear for the appointment. She will even take her phone out of its cover and use a different one. Then everything is washed and cleaned as soon as we get home. Currently as well no partners are allowed, so she has to do all the appointments on her own.

For the family it means we have to tread on eggshells, cant make the wrong move. I hate it. Addressing the reality of our situation. Especially as we know that there will be treatment starting soon, probably within a few weeks.

She will then spend the rest of the day mentally exhausted. And again I find this really tough. She is not quite ill enough to need treatment, but not well enough to be doing things normally. She will be nauseous, resting on the the sofa, not able to eat, but well enough to be a presence. After five years, we know what to expect, but it doesnt get easier to deal with. I have said before, but it feels we are stuck in a loop, and cant move on with our lives. No closure either way, means we are damned to do the same things over and over. Pushing the burden around, until when? What?

This is the equivalent of ripping off a plaster slowly, it hurts for longer, as opposed to the quick rip and short sharp shock. Would it have been better for us to have lost her 2 years ago? Would we have grieved, and then been able to address things? That is the taboo question that cannot be asked. Would the short sharp shock have been easier on us all, instead of the family having a mental burden that is bringing all out thoughts and health down.

After a year of a pandemic, and with money pressures bearing down on us, mentally we are all shot. Not sleeping, not able to concentrate and not finding joy in our past times. My wife cant read as her eyesight is still not back properly, and finds it hard to see the words. She is desperate to drive, but again legally cant do that. So TV is the only respite, as apart from walking or me driving her she cant get anywhere. And as I work I cant take her around all day. Hopefully as things open up, we can re-engage with other people nearby.

I am by nature usually quite strong, and get on with things, but do find myself questioning why through all of this. What is the point behind it all, why do we keep redoing the same things, and what will happen at the end. Sometime I think there is no point to it all, and we are doomed to live in pain and anguish. But I have children and need to fight for them. The children need adults to show them the way, and guide them through this, even when they are only 9, and have spend half their lives with a seriously sick mother.

The song just came into my mind. Love the Kinks, and think they should be respected more. Enjoy.