Good results, so why do I feel so down?

We got my wifes latest scan results today, along with an update from the oncologist. And they are relatively good. No major progression of the existing disease, but some small changes elsewhere.

The other major change is that she wont be scanned again until April. A longer gap between scans can only be good. It is a sign that the oncologist is feeling fairly relaxed.

So why do I feel deflated? The answer is easy. I need positive action. I need steps to be taken against the disease. Waiting until April means the constant worry still that something could go wrong before then. Waiting means no action being taken, we are not doing anything.

I heard the other day the comment that a terminal illness diagnosis means that the grief starts at that time, and you then spend every day worrying and being in a heightened sense of readiness, never able to take a rest because there is always the possibility of something happening. I guess you could say it is similar to the feeling of being on guard, waiting with the knowledge someone could make an attack on your camp, but not knowing when. The added issue with a terminal illness is that you know something will happen, just not when. The Buckaroo scenario!

We are also confused a little, because the oncologist spends alot of time at other meetings telling us how she needs to see my wife, and now seems to have decided video is enough. She commented on my wifes weight loss, but only saw her face, not the thin arms and legs, and lack of muscle tone. I just hope she is correct in her thoughts.

On a personal note, I feel very trapped. Trapped by an illness that means we cannot move on, I cannot move on with my life. Just when I feel that progress is being made, I will get a call to say she isnt well, or cant sleep, or some other issue that brings us back down to earth. A week without worry would be great. A pint with the lads would be great!

Constant worry is also extremely tiring. Our whole family is shattered. My son looks tired all the time, I feel tired as well. Not a healthy place to be. And with a terminal diagnosis, there is no way of getting cheap insurance for a trip to the sun, even if the money was available to do so, which it isnt.

So I guess we take the small victory today, and be happy we are not gearing up for treatment. That would be much worse.


Two things today. One, I have started to compile a list of useful resources and links to things I have read, or used and so on. The page is here – and will be update over time.

The other is thanks for reading, and if you feel so inclined, some support to help keep my blog going would be appreciated. A coffee or a beer would go down well! Please click on the button below:

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