Tag: scans

Really, why are we doing all this?

I am currently reading Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harai, about the history of humankind. It is making me feel very small in the world, when learning that humans have existed 300,000 years give or take.

The book is brilliant by the way, and I am learning alot from it. Highly recommended (the link above will take you to Amazon if you want to get a copy).

Combining that with my wifes trip to hospital has made me consider the futility of our lives a little bit.

If humans have existed for 300,00 years, our individual lives are but a speck on the timeline. Pretty inconsequential you might say.

Which lead me to think about the battles facing my wife. What is the point of putting her through the mental and physical hardship of scans and maybe treatment, when our lives play such a tiny part of the human experience? Why do we do anything during our days?

The reason struck me though. Our purpose is to continue and expand our species. And in our case, that means our purpose is to look after and raise our children. Having their mother around is important for developing children.

We can see that from the recent furore surrounding Prince Harry and his book and interviews. He lost his mother at 12, and I cannot imagine the mental anguish that has caused him. To go through what he did was cruel. Had he not lost his mother he would have been a very different adult.

And so that is why we are going through what we have to for my wife. She needs to be around for my children. She needs to help my son and daughter to develop into adults, and help them develop into outstanding and contributing members of the human race. We never know what they may do in the future given the best start.

Out lives are not as futile and inconsequential as my recent reading has led me to think. I need to focus on the small world around my family and friends. That is where the reason behind the hospital trips is seen. It is the friend who cant contemplate losing a old friend. It is the parent unwilling to lose a child. It is the child not wanting to lose the parent.

We find the scan results next week. I am not feeling optimistic unfortunately. She is very frail and tired currently. I suspect the tumours may have grown, though hope this is the effect of her having had the bad cold type illness that has gone around. We can but hope.

Music therapy

Today has been a day of John Lennon and the Beach Boys. I wasnt sure which track to put here, and was favouring Gimme Some Truth by the ex Beatle, but I think the following written by Brian Wilson fits the mood a little better.

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Living on a thin line

Today was the day of my wifes scans. CT and MRI again. It is a stressful day, obviously she doesnt want to go into the hospital, and who would blame her. It means confronting the truth of the disease. She mentally cant take anything in with her, and has special clothes just to wear for the appointment. She will even take her phone out of its cover and use a different one. Then everything is washed and cleaned as soon as we get home. Currently as well no partners are allowed, so she has to do all the appointments on her own.

For the family it means we have to tread on eggshells, cant make the wrong move. I hate it. Addressing the reality of our situation. Especially as we know that there will be treatment starting soon, probably within a few weeks.

She will then spend the rest of the day mentally exhausted. And again I find this really tough. She is not quite ill enough to need treatment, but not well enough to be doing things normally. She will be nauseous, resting on the the sofa, not able to eat, but well enough to be a presence. After five years, we know what to expect, but it doesnt get easier to deal with. I have said before, but it feels we are stuck in a loop, and cant move on with our lives. No closure either way, means we are damned to do the same things over and over. Pushing the burden around, until when? What?

This is the equivalent of ripping off a plaster slowly, it hurts for longer, as opposed to the quick rip and short sharp shock. Would it have been better for us to have lost her 2 years ago? Would we have grieved, and then been able to address things? That is the taboo question that cannot be asked. Would the short sharp shock have been easier on us all, instead of the family having a mental burden that is bringing all out thoughts and health down.

After a year of a pandemic, and with money pressures bearing down on us, mentally we are all shot. Not sleeping, not able to concentrate and not finding joy in our past times. My wife cant read as her eyesight is still not back properly, and finds it hard to see the words. She is desperate to drive, but again legally cant do that. So TV is the only respite, as apart from walking or me driving her she cant get anywhere. And as I work I cant take her around all day. Hopefully as things open up, we can re-engage with other people nearby.

I am by nature usually quite strong, and get on with things, but do find myself questioning why through all of this. What is the point behind it all, why do we keep redoing the same things, and what will happen at the end. Sometime I think there is no point to it all, and we are doomed to live in pain and anguish. But I have children and need to fight for them. The children need adults to show them the way, and guide them through this, even when they are only 9, and have spend half their lives with a seriously sick mother.

The song just came into my mind. Love the Kinks, and think they should be respected more. Enjoy.