I was sat at my desk on Friday, when my wife called. Nothing unusual there you would think. However this time it was different.
With her croaky voice, she could barely tell me she had been physically sick, and was having violent stomach cramps. She sounded awful. I left the office and was home as quick as possible.
She looked terrible. She had been taken out by friends for coffee, and had to be dropped home early, before being sick. She hadnt let on to the friends, but had called me instead.
We had eaten garlic on Thursday night, which we know aggravates her stomach, but this seemed much worse. She was in real agony. At the front of our minds was the comments from her oncologist. She said things may change quickly. Her bowel could become blocked or her liver may stop working. And these things could happen suddenly. I dont know what is sudden for a doctor though.
Anyway, we thought this was a problem with her bowel. Utter agony, and sickness. It went on for a long while, stopping her sleeping.
Even into Saturday she was in pain. And looked very frail. The pain started to ease though, but the weakness didnt. The physical act of being sick had also hurt her back, and so she was struggling to get comfortable. The weekend was not a fun one in our house. Thankfully today she is feeling better, but still not right.
It is hard to know if this is a problem caused by spreading cancer or not. She does look very frail. The worst I have seen outside of having chemo. Her arms and legs have lost their muscle, and she looks really thin. She has a problem with doing too much, and does not have the strength to walk far. She is really not well.
I was talking to friend at new year, and saying that I had a feeling that she wont see out this year. The results of the latest scans will be with us on Wednesday. The way she is feeling, and the way she is looking I am not hopeful.
As a carer when faced with this, there is a feeling of being totally powerless. There isnt anything I can do to influence the outcome, and when we find the results, I cant do anything to make it right. I can try to look after everything else, though have a real feeling that even that is not being done well. A comment from my wife last night that she appreciates what I do for her, and that I am good dad did perk my spirits up though.
I worry that these comments show a little of where my wifes head is at. Almost like she is making peace with things, and being resigned to what may come. She is tired of feeling ill all the time, and having constant pain.
I dread more of the calls like Friday. I know there will be a time when I leave the office only to return some time later without her in our lives, and that is a tough thing to consider.
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