How to find your mental anchor in life

Life can feel like hurtling through space on an out of control spaceship at times. You need a space anchor to be thrown and stop you (are those a thing? It would be like a ships anchor, but hooked to what – a planet I guess? Need to invent it somehow).

There are so many things that come hurtling towards you, that you need a way to stay fixed to something, and be grounded (not sure the space anchor line works with that now, but I’m gonna go with it, I’m too far in to change). Anchoring keeps you grounded, and able to survive the challenges you face in life. A great article by Dr Jessica Brown https://www.drjessicabrown.com/theblogposts/2019/4/24/whats-your-anchor#:~:text=It’s%20the%20thing%20that%20keeps,makes%20you%20who%20you%20are., explains how your anchor is your why, the essence of who you are. This can be spiritual beliefs, family, meaningful work or hobbies, or daily rituals. We’ve all seen those short blogs by people saying what their morning routine is (‘I get up at 4, spend 2 hours in the gym before eating a spinach smoothie and then sending 300 spam emails’ type of thing.) But this is grounding, having an anchor.

Why is this something that has come to mind for me? Well, I have alot of moving parts in my life we could say. My wife has her illness, with all the uncertainty that can bring (a prime example here https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/922), which means to me it feels like my family anchor has gone. That lifetime partner, the one who you chose to share your life with, living with the knowledge that will not be the case twists your melons, and slowly breaks your brain. I have to work extra hard to stop the negative thoughts and worrys from taking over.

But it also means that the anchor of coming home after a hard day at work is gone – I will come home and start my second job, caring for my wife and making her life as good as possible. I put my daily concerns to the back of my mind, as in context they are not anywhere near as significant. I have written before a long ago that the joy of Friday nights has now gone, that feeling of looking forward to the end of the work week doesnt come for me.

And on the subject of work, because of the worry about my wife, my work does struggle. I find it hard to concentrate on days when we have a hospital appointment, even if all I am doing is acting a taxi service as she wont want me to come in. To switch between sitting in a hospital car park to jumping on a zoom call and solving accounting problems is immense, and while I found that much easier 5, 6 or 7 years ago, doing it every few months for years on end has taken its toll. The brain cannot keep undergoing that level of stress for too long (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/929).

Couple with that right now is the ongoing redundancy process I am involved with, and the length of time this is going on for. Not a happy environment in the office these days. So work isnt an anchor either (though I’m not sure it ever was).

Family should be something to rely on, but as mentioned above, with my wife ill, our home life can be very erratic. Our daughter is away at Uni, so we dont see her much, and have to try and help her to cope with her challenges in life. Our son is 13, and he has all the challenges of modern school, and the demands on him to deal with, whilst also having had a sick mother for over two thirds of his life. If that doesnt lead to therapy in later life, I dont know what will. So again, that is another anchor that is unsteady.

Other family live away from us, but we also have lots of good friends around. And we have some really good friends. As the Gene song says “It’s time to tell my friends I love them”. (Did I mention Gene have reformed, and I have tickets? Our favourite band of 25 years ago, who we saw at every London gig are back baby). They look out for me. Friends from different stages are anchors in different ways – the school friends who still share the same jokes 35 years on. The Uni friends who we have drunk way too much with, and grown up with, attended each others marriages, and are god parents to their children (Hi Aurelia!). And the friends made during our children attending school, bonding over a love of music and red wine. These are the relationships we need to develop and feed.

My interests have waned since the pressure of the last few years. Attention span for many folks has shrunk, particularly post covid, and I am no exception. Whereas previously I would read a book for hours on end, I feel the need for that dopamine shot of the phone, checking social media or the news, searching for that next high. And like most drugs, that high wears off pretty darn quick. But by then the damage is done, and a few minutes is wasted, followed by a few more minutes, until guilt kicks in, and your brain tries to realign. But then thinks, well the day is already wasted, so why try?

I have to force myself to enjoy my hobbies, and this is a good piece of advice I try to push on my son (my daughter already has this down pat). Put the phone physically somewhere else. Listen to a record end to end. No skipping tracks. Read a full chapter of a book. Watch a tv programme without the phone constantly on wikipedia. Watch football without texting a friend to gloat. That last one would be harder if I wasnt a Manchester United fan. Its been a tough few years. I dont mind not winning, but we are just awful to watch. My son has only known this rubbish.

I think the main crux of this is that life isnt easy anyway, but when caring for someone else, the time to look after yourself and find your moments of pleasure and happiness is not easy to find either. With all the demands on your time, you can feel guilty trying to look after yourself. After all, why prioritise that, when it is your wife that is terminally ill? I can rest later cant I? But what if that later never comes? We have been lucky that my wife has exceeded her prognosis, but in the maelstrom of those early years bouncing through chemo appointments and hospital visits, I would argue that I didnt properly look after myself, and am now reaping the crops of that (terrible metaphor I know).

One of my close friends said recently that I have never been the same since my wife had her stroke in 2018 (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/66). And when I look back to that time, it was one of the most stressful experiences anyone could have, spending days and weeks travelling to a hospital to sit by the bedside of my wife in a coma, having watched them put her under, not knowing if we were to see her again. But at that time I didnt think that way – I assume everything would work out fine, dopey optimism in my consciousness, whereas my subconscious must have been screaming to be heard. I didnt work on my mental strength, and I lost my anchor at that point. We were all changed from that point on.

So what is my advice to anyone dealing with similar issues? How do you find your mental anchor? Look after yourself as a carer. Thats it. You are useless if you do not look after yourself. Dont prioritise yourself over your partner or whoever you look after, but dont let it slide. I say that from bitter experience, as to not look after yourself means that it will take much more hard work to keep yourself going. Get the routine going, get hobbies and exercise into your day, meet with friends and talk about music or football or rugby or Disney or whatever the hell you enjoy. Remember the essence of who you are, and dont just be a carer, be yourself, who also has the super power of looking after someone else who needs your support.

Thanks

Thanks for reading, and if you like what I have written, maybe consider funding some of my coffee or beer habit.