Tag: manics

Music helps heal my soul after some really bad weeks

I havent written here for a while, and to be honest am just scrapping what I did write a few weeks ago. I had this great piece about how live music was beneficial to my wife, after I had been able to take her to see the Manic Street Preachers do a small gig in Kingston ahead of their album launch.

It had been an afternoon show, and by phoning ahead I had secured seats in a roped off disabled area. This meant my wife had been able to get in early, and be seated ahead of the crowds, not having to worry about being knocked or jostled, and she had a great view. The band as always were amazing, playing a mixture of new and classics. Even some tracks (She Is Suffering as an example) I hadnt heard in a good few years of seeing them. It was perfect.

It was maybe the first live concert she has been to in over 5 years, so was a big thing. We had then gone to see our daughter the next day, having lunch out, and doing some sight seeing with her, so on Sunday night my wife was really tired, and didnt eat much when we got home (I scoffed a chelsea bun, as is tradition when visiting Cambridge).

I was in a meeting at 10 on the Monday when I received the first call from a mobile I didnt recognise. It took to the 6th or 7th call before I excused myself and called it back, realising that the call wasnt likely to be someone selling me insurance. It was my wifes spanish teacher.

She had come to our house to give her regular lesson, and when she arrived had heard my wife calling. She had fallen in the hallway, and was lying in a pool of blood. Luckily she was able to get to the door, and let the other lady in, who had called me and an ambulance. I arrived in ten minutes, to my wife sitting on the floor by the door, a towel on her head, cushions supporting her, and a lot of blood on the hall floor.

She had got dizzy while cleaning up in the kitchen, and coupled with her very low blood pressure, had fallen face first on the floor, basically landing on her forehead. It is amazing how much blood comes from a head wound, especially from someone who is on blood thinners. I managed to tidy up, while her teacher sat with her (the last thing we needed was the cat walking through the mess and trailing it over the house), and we were lucky an ambulance arrived within 30 minutes. Not for the first time I am thankful for the NHS.

I wont go in to the full details of the rest of the day. Needless to say there was a great deal of sitting around, and tests, uncomfortable seats and beds, before we were able to get home. The cause we think was the very low blood pressure, coupled with overdoing things the day before. Thankfully no other damage was done to her body.

It has been a big wake up call. I think we were getting a bit blase about how serious my wifes illness has got. Her body is tiny, and she doesnt eat enough to put the weight back on, and in fact barely enough to keep her weight stable. She doesnt have the strength to be safely around the house on her home most of the time. The chance of her (rightly) exercising her independence and determindly doing house work leading to another fall is very high. I have talked about being worried about her being left alone (in fact almost a year ago https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/879), but to have it brought to the surface so starkly is sobering.

It has taken four weeks for her to be getting back to normal (whatever that is). Her head has permanent Harry Potter style scar. I have worked from home, she has stayed with her mum, and her mum has stayed with us. We just sit waiting in case she needs anything, listening out while she has a shower.

We have an alarm necklace thing on order, one of these things that will go off in the event of a fall, and automatically call me or the ambulance. They are marketed at the elderly, but really should also be aimed at younger terminally ill people as well. I will feel worried when I leave her alone for a while, but will have to get on with our lives somehow.

Mentally it took a toll on me. I feel guilty admitting it, because my wife had things much worse, but I think it was a week to get over the the trauma. Coming home to a pool of blood, and another hospital trip is not easy, and my stress levels went through the roof.

I am fairly sure I have been suffering from mental burnout, as I really do struggle to get motivated, feel tired and am irritable. I am trying to address this now. I journal in the morning each weekday, get my thoughts on paper, and am trying to put my phone away much more. I am trying to do more exercise, which has been tough when caring takes alot out of me as well. Balancing getting up early to do a spin bike session, with getting enough sleep means one or the other sometimes misses the mark. But I have to maintain self care, something I have not been maintaining. I have focused on my wifes needs and caring for her, neglecting myself. After all, I am not dying of cancer am I?

But this is foolish, and the place my mental health has got to means that I cannot look after her effectively, I cannot do my job effectively, and I am spreading myself too thinly. No one wins.

Which is where the music comes in. The Manics helped us both before this all happened, and this last week I had tickets to see the Levellers play in Guildford, doing an acoustic show. It was great, and just what I needed. I feel lucky to have some friends to do things like this with, because I miss being able to do them with my wife. I really miss dates, and sharing a bottle of wine, and weekends away just the two of us, and seeing our favourite bands. This has all been stolen from us, and every single day of my life, my chest hurts with the pain of wanting these things back. The hole in my body feels so real, and so large that it can overwhelm me.

There is a song by the Levellers that always hits me. Julie tells the tale of young woman, living a really tough life, and the line that gets me is “She felt alone in a crowded room, cries when she heard a happy tune”. I have not experienced anything that this poor girl does, but I can understand those sentiments.

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Musical Highlights 2021

So, rather than a list of my top albums, I have a list of my muscial highlights for the year. They arnt in any particular order.

First up is a highlight and a lowlight. The Manic Street Preachers released a new album, The Ultra Vivid Lament, and as seems to be the way over the last decade or so, it is a belter. There are tunes reminiscent to their lost gem Lifeblood, with a glacial tuneful sound. One song (The Secret He Had Missed) even has ABBA like piano. The songs knaw into your brain, and pop up unannounced. It is in short a triumph. There are the customary guest appearances (Julia Cummings and a gravel voiced Mark Lanegan on Blank Diary Entry). Dont Let The Night Divide Us, Still Snowing In Sapparo and Into The Waves Of Love are particular favourites.

So why a lowlight? I had to miss seeing the tour when it rolled into Wembley Arena due to fears of Covid. Gutted is too small a word to describe how I felt. I have seen the Manics live for every tour for the past couple of decades. They are a great band live, James is my guitar hero, and Nicky a cool tower of a bass player, with Sean as the most amazing powerhouse drummer.

I did however make two gigs during the year, a pretty poor amount in comparison to other years. First up was the long delayed final ever gig by Martin Rossiter, formerly lead singer with the band Gene. Unfortunately none of that band were on stage with him, and by all accounts had not been informed before it had been announced. The gig started with one of his solo songs (Three Points On A Compass), before hitting a run of Gene classics. The band with him took a while to grow into the gig (they did look very young), but it did take flight. I had forgotten how well the Gene back catalogue soared when performed live, and it took us back to the high spots of their live gigs of the late 90s and early 00s.

Second gig was another delayed one, this time The Levellers. Originally this was going to be in support of their most recent album, but was now a 30th anniversary of Levelling The Land (where did the time go?). This meant the album in full, followed by some greatest hits. At a time of great political stories (the PM amongst others not behaving shall we say) it was amazing how relevant the intro film from the early 90s was. Their gig was great, and a big surprise was the support act, The Leylines, who were probably the best support I have ever seen. They really got the crowd going, and were a perfect warm up for the main event. It is always great to find a new favourtie band when you watch the support, and is also a good way to help new music.

Back to my favourite albums. Next is the War on Drugs with I Dont Live Here Anymore. I had their earlier album Lost In The Dream, but had lost touch until reading about and hearing initial songs this year. They produce wide range, broad music, the kind of music you play on a long road trip across California. Similar heft to the Manics in terms of the need to be in the open air, on the road – must be a reaction to our being cooped up in lockdown on and off for the last two years.

Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream always talks a good talk, and his band have done exceptional work in the past. This year he released an album with Jehnny Beth, a kind of modern Lee Hazelwood and Nancy Sinatra, called Utopian Ashes. This is brilliant, smoky late night music, with a swagger and softness to it. Remember We Were Lovers in particular is a highlight.

One of my favourite tracks of the last couple of years was James All The Colours of You, and the accompanying album didnt disappoint. They have grown as a band in the last few years (I saw their farewell tour nearly two decades ago, so was shocked when they reformed!), and the political element along with a mature songwriting fits the vibe for 2021!

Finally albums that caught my ear, but havent been played anywhere near enough include the Coral and The Anchoress. The Coral have had a resurgence in the last couple of years, and are back to their peak. Lover Undiscovered a highlight. The Anchoress is a special artist and her second album maintains the levels of her debut. She first came to my attention when dueting with the Manics, and her voice has an amazing quality to it. Her efforts for musicians rights need to be mentioned as well.

Other individual tracks have caught my attention. I mentioned Gene, and their drummer Matt James has released solo music, Snowy Peaks and A Simple Message, both sounding very good, and boding well for an album in 2022.

Dancing around the kitchen with the children has brought about some modern pop to my ears – Olivia Rodrigo with Good 4 U, and Dua Lipa with Levitating particular favourites. They werent sure about the Foo Fighters covers of the Bee Gees (released as the Dee Gees), but I will keep trying. I also struggled to get them interested in Wet Leg and Chaise Longue, but I liked the track – witty clever indie pop. Sleaford Mods were not played in those kitchen sessions for obvious reasons, but Mork and Mindy was great at the start of the year, and we loved the Weezer song Hero – unironic throwback hair metal.

So all in all, a good year. I have tried to listen to more new music, but have also found a great many throwbacks being pulled out. The need to reconnect with the past has been evident, but we have to keep forging forward.

There is plenty to look forward to in 2022 – I have some gigs booked, and hopefully I will get around to watching the Beatles documentary! Plus all being well, some new music will catch my ear, and I will find a new favourite.