It feels that I only add a post here after a long time, triggered by some massive traumatic events that have destroyed my mental health, and had a big impact on our home lives. Well, in the words of Whitesnake, Here I Go Again.
I am still getting over significant events for both my wife and myself, both of which have taken a long time to process.
My last post (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/922) mentioned the fall my wife had, and the injury it caused her. The scar has now gone down, though will be permanent, but the mental healing is still ongoing. I cant get rid of the picture in my mind of the pool of blood I found on the floor when I got back from the office, the congealed way it clung to the cloth I used to clean it up. I am struggling to shift the concern of what could have been, and what very nearly happened.
My wife is always keen to keep pushing, and keep doing things. She is amazing in that aspect, and it is one of the reasons she is still here. However, the whole event was a reality check (or at least should have been). She had planned to take our son to visit a friend, on her own, and I had to persuade her to call that off. There was no way I wanted my 13 year old to be the one to find her crashed on the floor, a wound in her head and blood all around. Thankfully in this instance she saw sense.
But then just after coming to terms with that event, my company announced a round of redundancies, which includes my role. The whole office is in shock, unable to understand the timing and angry about the loss. This was two weeks ago, and i have now had my first official one to one session, before I will probably find out my fate in a few more weeks.
I have worked for the company nearly 18 years, and it is quite wrench to think I will more than likely be off. There are roles being retained, but they involve relocation, and to link back to the start of this blog (almost like I planned how it would pan out), I cant leave my wife on her own all days and be reliant on trains to get back to her. I currently live close to the office, a deliberate location because of our circumstances. Moving house is not an option either.
I feel that everything in our lives is in flux, like I am standing on shifting sands. I cant rely on much to be stable, and this is tiring. I mentioned burnout in the previous blog, and this has gotten much worse. I struggle to concentrate on things and find I dont enjoy my interests as much as I used to. I have to force myself to listen to music properly, to actually sit and read a book, putting my phone away in another room. I have to take my work tasks and bite sized chunks, focusing on only a few targets each morning, to avoid being overwhelmed.
I am trying to rebuild my mind, and get back my ability to deal with the challenges we face. Despite mentioning it before, I havent really fully addressed how I am in my real life, and I think have really just barrelled straight through, pushing on because that is what I do. And I have hit the wall now.
We will survive my potential job loss. I hope the experience I have and the skills I have will help me find another role. I am also sure my wife will continue to gain in strength, a little each day.
I need to work on my mental health, and get to grips with what I am sure is burnout. I have had eight years of stress with dealing with this illness, a length of time including numerous highly stressful situations and emergencies. You can read about them in the following links, from times where we had to rush her to A&E ahead of being put in a coma https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/60, having a stroke https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/66, and her mammoth operation https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/50.
The following link has a great summary and description of burnout https://mentalhealth-uk.org/burnout/. Burnout can occur when you have repeated and prolonged high demands that exceed resources, and is seen typically in a workplace setting, but can be experienced alongside pressures such as being a caregiver. It is a state pf physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.
To deal with this, I am trying to get more excercise, practice mindfulness, and drink less alcohol. It is hard to keep on top of your mental health when challenges are constantly thrown at you, and it does feel isolating. I have a good friend I can talk things through with, and am trying to accept that I cannot do everything perfectly. As I said earlier, I try to break down work tasks, and only focus on a handful at a time.
All of these coping mechanisms are helping my mind to get better, but it is hard. I want everything to be fixed now, both for me and for my wife. However it has taken us 8 years to get here, and I doubt it will be a few weeks or even months to get us back to the top.
Thanks
Thanks for reading, and if you like what I have written, maybe consider funding some of my coffee or beer habit.
