Here at My Wife Has Cancer, we’ve had a couple of weeks off after school and university term end. The kids both had a great end to the academic year, making us so proud of them both. A first year of Uni has led to a first equivalent set of exams results for my eldest, and my youngest ended the year with an achievement recognition. They both deserve their summer breaks.
My work gave me the news that I would be leaving sometime during the 2Q of next year. As previously mentioned on My Wife Has Cancer (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/929) this was announced back in March. The process took bloody ages, and to be honest the motivation in the office has fallen through the floor. What did they expect – telling everyone that the office was closing and there would not be any jobs available elsewhere. Strangely enough most people dont feel a great deal of loyalty at that point.
We needed time out then. But of course the universe doesnt like us to have nice things, and so my wife picked up a virus or infection of some description (bacterial apparently, needing anti-biotics to shift). She had a slight cold while on holiday, but since we got home had been feeling exceptionally fatigued, and unable to eat.
This is a concern, as she looks like a little bird as it is. She reminds me off my grandmother in the years before she passed, tiny and weightless, with limbs that show the bones through her skin. There is very little meat on the bones at all, with her clothes hanging off her.
Then, the universe decided to play its next card. Two weeks ago, our doctor calls to say that her calcium levels are very high, like off the chart high. This is the reason for the fatigue and lack of appetite. It is also a really serious thing, and I understand a signifier of the cancer having spread further.
We were told to go to the A&E, where she would be put on a drip to wash out the calcium, and reduce the levels. One night in A&E turned into two nights in the local hospital, before turning into a transfer to the Royal Marsden in Sutton, the cancer specialist hospital. Which was where she stayed for nearly a week, getting slowly better, and slowly going mad with boredom.
What was extra hard was that we had arranged to visit some family in the Channel Islands, so while she was sleeping I spent my time on the airline website or on the phone attempting to change her flights. The children flew on their own (the flight is only 40 minutes in a twin prop 12 seater plan), while I sat at her bedside, swapping with my mother in law to go into work. Then after a few days, we decided I should keep my flight, and join the children.
The issue we had was the race against time to clear her for travel. There were limited flight availability, at least direct due to the holiday season. We missed one flight she could take, then another, and were left with nothing in sight.
But somehow on the Monday morning last week, a direct flight appeared for the Tuesday. She had been allowed home for a few hours on the Sunday, so things were going in the right direction, but could she be discharged in time? The answer was yes, and so she arrived at Southampton on the Tuesday for an early flight, then to be told there was a delay, and the flight would be 4 hours late.
This was not a great message when you have a bad back, and are uncomfortable sitting down. But she managed it, and got there, and had a great few days, weak, fragile, not eating enough, but determined to be there. I dont know how many more times she will be strong enough to make that flight, so it was important.
So what of the high calcium? There is a very good article on the following link to Cancer Research https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/physically/blood-calcium/high-calcium-people-cancer (maybe donate while you are there?). Hypercalcaemia as it is known is more likely to happen in advance cancer, less so at early stages.
All of the symptoms that my wife was showing are the ones to look out for, and to be honest are really quite hard to distinguish from an ill cancer patient. The patient may feel unwell, be more tired than usual, and be off their food, amongst other potential signs. Tough right? Sounds like any virus someone may pick up, especially when their immune system is compromised anyway.
And it cant be prevented. Nothing you can eat will change this, when caused by advanced cancer. Treatment, in the form of the fluids to wash it out of your system, or injections of certain types of drugs will help lower the calcium levels. And scarily if you miss these common symptoms, the seriousness will ramp up, potentially leading to fits, problems breathing, or unconsciousness. We are now on red alert for any change, and will be heading straight to the doctors with any sign of these symptoms. More stress and anxiety to add to the list we have accumulated over the years.
So how am I feeling? It was yet again some of the most stressful days of my life. Yet again, I got to witness the early days before the medicine takes hold and while my wife is often sleeping. I get to hear the early worried diagnosis from A&E doctors, before her specialist gets involved and puts their minds at ease (my wife’s blood results shouldn’t exist in a healthy person, but somehow she can cope, meaning new doctors fear the worst any second). I then am usually working or looking after the children when her meds kick in and she is awake, while my mother in law will sit with her. My role will pass unnoticed and forgotten.
The trauma of all of this take a long time to fade. I am writing this on My Wife Has Cancer, 2 weeks post admittance and do not feel back to the level I was the day before then. I don’t think this is PTSD, but it is some form of mental problem for me. Years of constant stress and strain don’t fade easily. The short term incidents like this knock us out of our regular routine, throwing away my method of trying to cope with the long term stress impact. The healthy eating and exercise take a back seat to driving to and from hospitals, and eating sandwiches from the coffee shop on the ground floor. Then there are the days when tea will be picked up from the supermarket and eaten at 11 pm.
We are all focused on my wifes physical disease and I feel people don’t always acknowledge the mental impact on the rest of us. I am seen as just grumpy. And how can I argue, after all I am not the one dying. However, as the following article from Macmillan, looking after the carer is important (https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/emotional-support-for-carers/looking-after-yourself-as-a-carer#:~:text=You%20need%20to%20look%20after,Eat%20well). After all, how can you help someone else, if you are not well yourself. But in the days when everything feels it is going wrong, as I said above, healthy eating, exercise and sleep all go by the wayside. Those previous small gains are lost in the haze and chaos.
I am amazed at how quickly my wife seems to get over these events. She can be hospitalised, but within a couple of days following her release, whilst still tired and recovering, she will appear to have processed everything, boxed it away and be attacking the day the best she can. There is definately a determination in the minds of people who have faced death, and come out the other side. Something we can all learn, but it is hard having watched the doctors and nurses do their work in those early days to recover as quickly.
Thanks
Thanks for reading, and if you like what I have written, maybe consider buying me a coffee. Or probably better make that a herbal tea of some description after the discussion on stress. Also check out the previous blogs on My Wife Has Cancer, where you can read about our back story.