Again, its been a while since I have written here. Mainly through no major change in my wifes health situation. The Christmas period seems the best time to re-engage, while we are trying to rest and relax. Or is it betwixtmas period now? I lose track.
First things first, my wife has been reasonably healthy. No worse than previously. Her blood scans show consistent calcium levels (a blessed relief after the nightmare summer we had, recalled here https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/948). We have to be honest here though. Despite all our hope and longing, she is never going to fully recover. Her illness makes small steps forward, a little bit worse every time, tiny advancements in the war of attrition.
She hopes that utilising some alternative thinking will help. It really does mentally. Despite the unimaginable loss of her physical self, she is maybe almost more determined than ever. We joke she has a ‘water ski face’ on when she wants to do something new and she will usually achieve it – this derives from our honeymoon, when she climbed aboard one in the Maldives, and successfully stayed up right, buzzing around the sea. I was less successful. Dry land is my forte!
As ever we have strived to make our Christmas magical for all the family. The water ski face made sure that my wife was determined to get involved in every aspect she could. Some times we were defeated by the threat of illness – that was a scary round of flu ahead of the break that took out many of my sons school friends, and made us lie low and hunker down away from people for a few days. We tried to only attend the important commitments, keeping away from public transport and busy shops where possible.
And it worked. We were all healthy for Christmas, and managed to visit with family, and enjoy the day itself. We ate too much food, I drank too much red wine (if such a thing is possible!), and had plenty of fun along the way. We had some family staying, and it feels selfish to say it, but the best times for us were when it was just the four of us having fun together.
I wonder if subconsciously this was because this year marks ten years since diagnosis of my wifes cancer. This was the time of year that we were trying to understand what was wrong (you can read some of the early origin story here https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/40). I do think it has been a little on my mind. Ten years is a long time to be battling and coping with something like her disease. Yet on the other hand, the time seems to have disappeared by in a flash, with an impact that has torn our lives apart, given them back to us piecemeal, and then shaken all those bits up and thrown them around. We have grown and learnt, and still live with the feeling that we are inside a volcano that can erupt at any minute, often without warning.
Much of the Christmas preperation was done by my wife weeks in advance. How do women do it? I have no clue, and that is one thing that scares me. I could never do Christmas as she can do Christmas. Every year I watch, and think I will learn, but I dont seem to be able to understand or plan well enough. I cant see behind the curtain, dont understand how the wizard makes it all work (topical for you Wicked fans…). I am like Dorothy before Toto pulls away the drapes. Confused and unsure of what is happening.
I do pick up the reigns when it comes to the day itself, and with my daughter we pulled together an amazing meal. It is a fun time, the two of us cooking together, and then watching as people enjoy it. One of my happiest times as a father. The day just feels so special. A time when the outside world, and the pressures we all live under can hopefully be put aside for one minute.
I am sure I have read before that Christmas, as a time of great expectation and hence stress, leads to many couples to split. Family arguments occur as everyone is often back under one roof, attempting to make that one day the best of the year. And I’m not afraid to say that this year, the day after boxing day led to me having a minor breakdown. There were a few reasons.
I’ve mentioned before that my job is being made redundant in the New Year (probably about June), and so that is praying on my mind. And despite the end being in sight, there is no movement on who I will hand work over to, and there is even a sense that more is being thrown at me! And at the same time, colleagues are leaving, so the atmosphere in the office gets quieter and more depressing.
The ten years of being a carer has taken a toll that I didnt realise. I sympathise with other carers who cannot get a break now and then, as the intense pressure must be unbearable. I feel like I am spread too thinly at times, and thus struggling to cope., and I have some support, and a wife who whilst ill is still capable of looking after herself.
Then I am an introvert, and do need to recover from social interactions. So Christmas, with its many times of catching up, and visiting with family, uses my social battery up really quickly, leaving me depleted. I also feel under constant pressure to make sure my wife is having as good a time as possible, neglecting my needs, and take on the mantel of protector, leading me to feel everything depends on me. It doesnt, and I only realise that when I am rested and functioning properly. Though this self care is not something I prioritise unfortunately. That contributes to the headaches, and back aches, and general feeling under the weather.
The lyrics of the following James track kind of talks a little to how I felt driving my wife and children (and cat!) to another visit with family. In a hole, way over my head.
So I need a complete rest. Interestingly (and this might be the universe helping out here) a LinkedIn post directed me to The 7 types of rest, a proprietary framework developed by Dr Saundra Dalton-Smith (https://www.drdaltonsmith.com/). Isnt it funny how that kind of serendipity happens? Anyway, I will learn them with you now. I’m hoping these might help me figure out how to improve the mental health of this carer over the rest of the festive period. The 7 types are Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Social, Sensory and Creative rest.
The following is a link to a Rest Quiz, which I have taken. The quiz can be found here https://www.restquiz.com/quiz/rest-quiz-test/. This shows rest deficits, and where the different elements need work. Seeing as anything with a score over 35 shows that this area is negatively impacting my life, from my results I think it is safe to say I am screwed. And not in a fun, sexy way. Nothing is showing that I am getting enough rest. Not one single area. The closest is my Sensory rest, which I guess might show the impact of me trying to stop using my phone quite so much during the day.
From a physical perspective, I know I dont usually get enough sleep. My exercise routine is messed up as well. I do a Peloton spin class most mornings, except when my back is playing up. I dont so yoga or pilates or the like – maybe I need to start? I am past 50 now. I will look into this. Reducing headaches would be good. I have constant tinnitus which I am sure is partly stress related, so I have to prioritise rest.
I am surprised by my mental rest. This is an area I have worked on alot. Mindfulness and so on. It is tough in the modern world to turn off the world though, and feels like being selfish. Well, self care isnt selfish I now understand.
Spiritual rest in its presented form is tough. I am not overly religious or spiritual, more scientific, but have been working my way through a book called The Artist Way by Julia Cameron, and one of the main threads is getting in touch with the inner creator, referred to as God for ease. So you could say I am now working in a spiritual way through that book, and learning to get in touch with my inner creator. Early days, but I feel the benefit of daily journaling each and every morning.
As a man from the Midlands, we dont express our emotions often. Being authentic is not natural, we keep it bottled up. However, despite the high score, this is something I do work at. The previous mentioned journaling, and even this blog all help me to get the shit out of my head and into something else. I dont read the journal after I write it, so that feels like being able to expel the crap and re-balance my head. This one is a work in progress.
Social rest is choosing who to spend your time with as I understand it. I said earlier that my social battery runs out easily, so I know this is of vital importance for me. I need time alone, and as a fulltime carer, again this is something I feel guilty about taking a break. I go to work all week, and dont want to do much at the weekend, whilst my wife is at home alot during the week, and so doesnt want to be at home at the weekend. I’m sure you can see the dilemma.
Sensory rest is an area I am getting more passionate about. Getting the phone put to one side is tough, but I do feel the benefit. Almost back to the mindfullness. Down time from all screens, lose yourself in a book is the best thing for me. Along with the Peloton. I can forget other stimulation and recover my head.
Finally Creative rest. For me this is the part I am most keen to recover. The book I mentioned above is an attempt at that. Learning how to bring back my inner creator and recover the person I once was, that has been buried beneath years of working and then a decade of caring. He is in there, I must recover him!
The quiz is eye opening. There are links to other resources. Self care is something I am getting more interested in. We do not have an infinite ability to keep going unchecked, and almost need these little interruptions (like my breakdown) to remind us to look after ourselves. Rest is important, and I never realised that we could break that simple term down into different types. Rest was always having a nap when I was growing up, I guess we hadnt learnt about the ways of mindfullness or self care, or at least didnt acknowledge it as such. I have to get over the guilt of prioritising me, and realise that without that I am no use to anyone.
Thanks
Thanks for reading, and if you like what I have written, maybe consider buying me a coffee. Also please go back and look at the previous My Wife Has Cancer blog posts, where you can see how our story started, and some of the struggles over the last 9 years.