My wife had her latest results recently. This used to be a time of fear. However, this time we had strangely positive news. I say positive, as there was evidence of shrinkage in some of the tumours. The doctor and her team were a little surprised. That’s why it was strange.
My wife is not having any form of treatment right now. She hasn’t for a few years, and isn’t likely to be given anything for the foreseeable. I doubt she would be strong enough. So what is causing this reduction?
She puts it down to her healer. Positive attitude, and whatever else the lady does. I’m not one to believe, maybe because I don’t understand it, but i guess it must have something to it if we are seeing actual medical impacts. We can but hope it continues.
I didn’t feel any great happiness though, and I feel guilty for that. I should be leaping around the room right, bouncing around, high fiving people. Yet, my reaction is muted. Subconsciously I am struggling with the ten years post diagnosis (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/40), and the stress of it is really starting to tell, especially in light of of everything else going on.
Others will most likely understand, but life can be hard to navigate when the future is so uncertain. We try to maintain our lives, and get on with doing the things we enjoy, yet are also always aware of the storm cloud hanging over us. How can we pick the best path, and be strong for the people we care for, love and support?
A quote from the last episode of Stranger Things hit me this weekend. It was spoken by Hopper to Mike, and to paraphrase he said ‘There are two paths you can take. One is to be bitter and not get on with your life, the other is to accept things, and make the most of your life, whilst not forgetting has happened’. I realised that I have not properly accepted the state of our situation. It seems weird to learn something from the Stranger Things finale (and as an aside – how good was the final series? It maybe didn’t fully stick the landing fans wanted, but I enjoyed it).
I am struggling to accept and make the most of my life. I may have mentioned previously the ‘Sliding Doors’ moment I had the day after my wife’s diagnosis. I was heading to tell my supervisor about the news, and discuss what to do, when his manager grabbed me, and asked if I would take on a new job, along with the job I was already doing. More responsibility, more prestige, and a shit tonne of brownie points. I had to decline.
And I feel the last 10 years of my career have been a valiant but doomed attempt to get back to that position of respect. I am not there, and due to the news of last year (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/40), I will be leaving the company in a few short months, and so never will get back to that level with them. So this is another aspect t of life I am trying to navigate when it is so uncertain.
My role will eventually move to someone else in another country, but that has yet to be announced, and in the meantime I am being asked to cover more and more. It feels very odd to be told on one hand that I am not needed, yet on the other to be asked to do more. I also feel forced into some decisions on how my separation works due to my wife’s illness. I am unable to relocate due to our circumstances, and this counts against me from a corporate point of view. Another way that cancer has a laugh at our expense.
The extra work I am being asked to do is making my job very overwhelming, and is now impacting on my home life. I am worried and stressed, on top of the stress of being a carer, and I struggle to enjoy the things I used to enjoy (apart from good coffee). Clearing your head is hard, and for me right now takes a great deal of effort. I practice journaling and try to exercise first thing in the morning, as that is the only way to get me on a track. The commute then ruins that zen feeling, so I have to try to practice mindfulness at work to get it back.
However, this discipline is not easy. When things are flying at you full throttle, mindfulness can be really hard to maintain. I picture that all the different aspects of my life can be seen as being in a box, and aim to try and push certain boxes in my head away. I have come to realise that the work boxes and being a full time carer boxes have built up over time, and my real inner self is trapped, trapped behind a door that he cannot open due to the boxes stacked against it.
It is in that room with him that the things I enjoy are stored, the love of music, the love of football, the attention span to be able to read at length, the joy of cooking. These and more are all really hard to access without devoting time and attention to them. The bad shit can take over, all the thoughts about work, the worry about my wife, the concerns over the children, the stress of life. They take over, and the person I really am is stuck behind a pile of boxes, trapped and unable to get out.
So I think this then is what I learnt from Stranger Things (aside from how to kill Vecna – go Joyce!). I learnt that we have to decide that the only way forward in life is to accept what has happened, and don’t just pile the the bad thoughts up and keep looking at them. Put those thoughts in the boxes in the other room, and bring out the boxes that make us who we are, and have those boxes easily openable. We still know the horrible things that have happened are there, but we don’t need to constantly look at them. We have to get on with our lives.
As I say, for me this is not easy. My brain loves to succumb to anxiety and worry, and will be quite happy to just wallow in self pity. I have to work to get me back. Hell, I have to work to not fall behind. It is often said, that the carer needs to look after themselves as much as the patient, and that is ight. I am living proof that we cannot cope without properly looking after ourselves, no matter how strong we think we are.
Thanks
Thanks for reading, and if you like what I have written, maybe consider buying me a coffee. Also please go back and look at the previous My Wife Has Cancer blog posts, where you can see how our story started, and some of the struggles over the last 9 years.
